Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
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My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.