My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
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GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.