I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
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I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.