Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
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On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
And that about sums it up.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.