Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
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Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Bobby pin
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
fired
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?