[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
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When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.