Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
You Might Also Like
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
How dramatic are you?
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.