the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
There’s always that one guy
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus