It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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Its true…
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together