CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
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After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls