Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE