“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
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I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.