Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Simple enough.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.