surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
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I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Barbie gone wild
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”