Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
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GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
next question.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.