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you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Oh. My. God.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.