A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
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Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
The point of your 20s
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?