I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
You Might Also Like
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I am also baked goods
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough