I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
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I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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