One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
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Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.