With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
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Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
repaired
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?