Intelligence is the new cleavage
You Might Also Like
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons