H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
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Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
never forget
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.