hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
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Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”