[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
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Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.