“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
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‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Give a baker flours on your first date.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.