My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
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“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Thursday
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.