Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see š
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
You Might Also Like
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
#growingpains
When Iām bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say āso….do you maybe have something youād like to tell me? Iāll give you a little time to think about itā….and then walk away.
Who said parenting canāt be fun?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. Thatās sleuth shit.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Your call is very important to us, hereās six days of irritating music.
A friend sent me this and now I canāt think of anything else
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*