It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.