Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
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Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I have never related to a cat more
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Pretty much! 😂👀
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Just as the prophecy foretold
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up