Hey Fugeddaboutit
You Might Also Like
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.