MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
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Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.