“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
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Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
🖤✌🏽
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Kids: Stay in school.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?