Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
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went fishing caught a bass
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.