Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
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I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
thanks auntie mary
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.