Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
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[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
become ungovernable
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.