Nomnomnomnom
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[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Best mom ever 😂
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it