[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
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Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Me in tagged photos
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Oh hi lol
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My purse is deeper than some people.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine