I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
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THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Roses are red, you always mattered,
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Just grow your own
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.