If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
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I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
who wore it better?
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
🤣✨#caturday
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
😏😏😏
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole