Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
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My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”