Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
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Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
estão todos miauvindo?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.