“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
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Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out