This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
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You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life