I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
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Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it