being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
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6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.