Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
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I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.