[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
You Might Also Like
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Hilarious if literal: arms race
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!