After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
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people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
the pigeons are already plenty salty
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.