Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
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I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
can’t talk my ride’s here
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Would you wear it?
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.